“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”
Ephesians 5:25 (NASB)

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.” –C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Being a husband can be hard. There is a lot of guess work and interpretation that is involved. Being a husband to a mommy is harder. Suddenly we have to find ways to remove mom from her role of mom and return her to her role as a wife (i.e. take your woman out on a date). Being a husband to a mommy who has lost a baby, either post birth or miscarriage, can be one of the hardest things a man will ever have to endure, and sadly, some just don’t know how to make it work.

If you are reading this, then perhaps you are one of these men. If that is the case, let me start by saying you’re not alone. It may not be easy for you to express how you feel, heck, you may not even know how you feel. But you can find solace in knowing that there are other men who are in the same boat, with that same deer in the headlights look, pondering the same questions you are. And you’ve come to the right place. I’m not going to say that I have all the right answers, but I think with some experience and a heart to see husbands stand up to their Godly role, I hope that I can offer some advice to get you going on how to love a woman whose grief has led to bitterness.

When we lost our baby Sarah, it was the most devastating time for both my wife and I. That war that I struggled with as a husband to fix things vs. the reality that there was nothing I could do to fix; it was almost unbearable. My wife became a different person and honestly, so did I. Then the dreaded date came. Mother’s Day.

A day that only reminded my wife that we had one child to celebrate with when there should be two. She was bitter and angry. I was trying to make it better. I assure you, I failed miserably. That haunting thought crept in. “Is this the way it’s always going to be? Do I have to live with this bitter woman for the rest of my life?” It’s not glamorous gentlemen, but I’m trying to be honest here.

That’s when it hit me. I’m not made to fix this. Quite honestly, there is nothing to fix. This gaping hole that became our lives will not mend completely.

So what choice did I have? I had to die. You heard me…Die.

You see, I had to realize that it was not about me. I realized that I wanted to fix it because it would be easier for me, not for my wife. I realized that I had to die to her as Christ did for the Church.

See guys, it looks like this. Bringing up the loss of your baby can not possibly make your wife feel worse than she already does. There is no amount of times that you bring up the loss that she will finally say is too much. I understand that each woman is different, but I think I can say with confidence that the “pushing under the rug” philosophy is a horrible one for any woman. She doesn’t want you to clam up about the despair. She wants you to share in it with her.

So on Mother’s Day, treat her like the mother she is. She will be telling herself lies that because she no longer has that baby, that she is no longer a mother, but that is simply not true. And it’s your job to remind her of that. Ask her what she wants to do for that precious day and do whatever she wants to do. Try to put yourself in her shoes. If you’re struggling with feeling any strong emotions about the loss (most common with miscarriage) then choose to feel it with her. I promise you the emotions will follow.

To put it bluntly, your wife does not want a clammed up, unemotional shell of a man. She wants her husband to appreciate her pain. She wants him to cry with her. To allow her to feel what she is going to feel and to simply be there with her. I know that seems more simple than it actually is, but I promise you that this too shall pass.

Though you and she will still feel the pain always, this action alone will build a bridge to a brighter future that is full of hope. You offer her that my brothers and I can assure you that she will come back to you. And she’ll love you more for loving her through the unlovable times.

© Josh Wing, 2014
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